These days are better than that

Picture: We♥it Life was kind of crazy these months. No boyfriend. No best friend. A lot of hard work... But, more than these, a lot of learning. During this period of my life, I've learnt about being lonely (and how good this can be), about how the real friends can stand by my side, being lovely, even when I never thought they could be there for me... I've also learnt about children - and their singular point of views - and how inspiring life is, if we are ready and opened-mind to see it. When something wrong hit us, we have to deal with it and  walk on. Life give us a lot of opportunities to grow up. That was happening to me these months. That can happen to you too. And, believe or not, this is a miracle.

Thinking about my life, I fell a little bit stupid. Why do I spend my life loving you?! Everybody can see how you don’t care about my feelings, about my life, about me. On the other hand, I could give my life to see you happy and safe. “ Love is a dog from hell ”, Bukowski wrote in the past. He was right. Love is a dog from hell and I am there, feeling this fucking pain…

It’s a song about nobility and personal sacrifice, about doing what’s right, even if your heart is telling you otherwise. The spoken intro gave us the title for our new album: And love is not the easy thing / The only baggage you can bring / Is all that you can’t leave behind . Love, in the highest sense of the word, is the only thing that you can always take with you, in your heart. At some point you are going to have to lose everything else anyway. There’s a passage in Corinthians that uses the image of a house going through a fire, and it seems to suggest that when, in death, we eventually face judgement (or inspection, as one translation puts it) all that is made of straw and wood will be burned away, only the eternal things will survive. For me those things are family and friendship, abstract things, they’re not the things that you make. So at the end of the song, there is a litany of ambitions and achievements. You’ve got to leave it behind / All that you fashion / All that you ...

Photo: We♥it Today something strange (?) happened with me: I said no . Everything began when a new friend of mine started talking to me on facebook… In the middle of our conversation, he said he’d like to get to know me better, because he believes I’m a strong and daring person.  Well, although I don’t have an official boyfriend, I love my prince and I’d never change him to other guy, so what am I supposed to do? Just say no. That’s what I’ve did. After this conversation, I’ve started thinking about my life, not only how gorgeous and smart I am – I must to believe in it! – but how my life is changing this year. In fact, today was the first time a guy older than me said he’d like to get to know me better. I truly believe this happened because I know where I want to be in the future and I’ve started taking care about myself.   I’m trying to light my own way with happiness, even if I were alone, even if I’m not sure what’s going to happen. Despite I don’t like to ...

It’s hard to think about a weekend without you. What am I supposed to do without your hand to hold my hand?! I know, two days… it’s just a weekend. But what can I do with this hole that grows up in my soul?! I don’t know…  Feeling alone makes me think about my life, about how I’m blessed with your love! Yes, I’m telling you how much I miss you, because I love you and I want to scream for everybody listen to it: Hey, I love you! I can’t live without you, your hug, without you smile, without your touch… That’s why I’m telling you how being far from you kills me. If I could, I would live my life with you: the same house, the same bed, the same thoughts! But life is not a dream… and I’m here, alone… PS: I don’t wanna hurt you with these words. You, better than me, know who I am: I need to talk about my feelings to feel better. Writing makes me feel next to you (I know, it’s crazy but it’s true).

A lot of things happened since the last time I’ve been here. A lot of feelings have changed. In other hands, the other part is on the same way. I explain: I’m still haven’t found what I’m looking for (in U2 words). I was happy with my job, but yesterday – and today – I listened to something that made desire to follow my dream again. I want to be a teacher and I’ll do it! That’s my rule from now on.  About ‘the rest’, what can I say? My life is a roller-coaster. First: happiness (finally we stayed together!); then, fearfulness (did I do everything right?); after, sadness (we won’t stay together again); and happiness again (it happened twice!)… Now, I really don’t know what can I wait for… #misery

Well, the name of this post tells everything, but I need to write about this fail experience. This week, my last week on vacation, I received a call to a job interview. I decided to go, because that was my opportunity to being an English teacher. At the time scheduled, I was there . It was a cold Monday afternoon, but I try to seem happy (although the flu was killing me). I just met Taís (school coordinator). She was the person who would talk to me. Well, we entered in a small room and I’ve seen a book that made me happy: Summit! Well, I told her “I know this book, I worked with the top notch… they are from the same collection”. Them we started talking. Taís is a nice girl, with a beautiful smile and a lot of enthusiasm! I liked her – and she liked me. We talked about my life and about the school – a nice place! So, she told me she liked me and ask me if I would like to work there. That was my opportunity, the salary was low, but that was my opportunity and I said yes. So, she said I...

I want to change my life and start something new, but I don’t know exactly how… so, I’ve just changed everything here. I think my blog is a reflection of me, so I don’t want to be dark anymore. I want to be colorful and clean as this blog. Although all is relative, I want to have days better than that.

Here I am again, waiting and waiting. I don’t know… Sometimes I think that to love is to wait. Love is to be patient. Love is to respect. I’ve got a feeling I’m losing the love of my life right now. I’m afraid, but I know I must to be strong, because he will need me by his side – as his best friend, but he will… At this moment, I feel that I was born to be alone. I try to be a positive person, but it’s hard to deal with this loneliness (that knows me by name )… I fight with myself because I want to happy; in other hand, hope is something is lessening here… In fact, I got a lot of dreams: I want to form a big family – husband, kids, pets, a great house -, I want to travel, I want to be happy. Happiness is a warm gun … Happiness is not for me. I was born to be calm, to be cool, to be… not happy, not loved.

Oh, you're the calm when my world is crashing My heart, my blood, my passion Why, tell me why You're everything but mine I hold you close when it all goes crazy And through it all, you'd be my lady Why, tell me why You're everything, everything but mine ( everything but mine - backstreet boys) I don’t know if someday you had this kind of feeling, but it’s not the first time this happen to me: I’m officially alone, but I feel him with me. He makes my heart feel love and happiness, although, in my case, “happiness is a warm gun”. I know we have no possibilities to stay together and, guess what? For the first time I really don’t care about it! Carpe diem .

This week was a hard week… I was thinking of someone (and he doesn’t deserve my thoughts), Things at work was terrible, I had headache three times… hard time, hard time. I’m looking for something new… I desire something new… PS: I hate April Fools' Day . #fact

I enjoy having a cup of coffee with my friends. It’s something I like to do. And it’s better when this friend is like a brother and the cup of coffee is from Starbucks. That’s what I did yesterday. My dear brother friend and I went to Starbucks Coffee just for talking for a while. I was sad, he felt it. So we went there and had a little bit of fun. I’m here now remembering everything he said to me… It’s funny how life can take a new meaning when someone takes care of you… Even if this “someone” is just a dear and lovely friend.He has the power of making me think about my crazy life... (Me and my "drama") I appreciate these moments!

Sometimes I need to write to keep myself alive. Even if I don't know about what I will talk about, I need to write... I think today is one of these days, that's why I'm here. I had a hard day, today. I worked full time, thinking about pedagogic games and I didn't end what it was supposed to be done. Well, tomorrow will be a new day = the deadline day (wish me luck!). About my new year's day resolution, today it was hard. I felt depressed for a while... I have my up moments and down moments... anyway! I will survive... I think. The fact is: being alone is terrible, but being alone in a rainy is the worst damn thing in this whole world!!!!! If you could see my face at the moment I was backing home, you would see the most unhappy face you've never seen before... But, although these things are happening, I was worst last November, so I won't complain now. As Shakira says: después de la tormenta sale el sol... ♫ A good thing?! Well, I don't know if yo...

A new year, a new beginning... This time I want to do everything different. I want to listen more, I want to share more. I'm tired of having the world on my shoulders... I want to put MY world on someone's shoulders. Although I'm telling these things, I have a resolution: being alone. Yeah, that's part of my decision about try something new. Why?! Because last year I promised myself finish 2010 with a boyfriend and... well, I'm alone. So, I have to deal with my loneliness. By the way I have to deal with it and be happy. I'm tired of feeling upset! 2011 means to me “ be happy with what you have ”, so that's like I want to live! For you, who is reading here, I wish you a great year!

Mood: thoughtful. I had a thoughtful Sunday today. I swear there are some things I can’t understand in my life… I passed this morning talking to a friend and he tried to make me feel better… Well, it didn’t happen at first, but now I’m in peace with myself. Ok. I can be confused when I want. Hehehe ( that’s why I won’t think about these things about “feelings” anymore ) Through the evening, I continued reading The Vampire Lestat , by Anne Rice. I really like Rice’s book! She’s amazing. (If you want to see more about this book, click here ) Now, I want to rest. I know I will work a lot during this last week of 2010. I hope God bless me!  I don't want to think about love anymore... See you soon and and remember: these days are better than that ! ;)